Freezing
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back,
He says,"Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says,"Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Honey, pumpkin
One day a young man and his wife were invited to visit an elderly couple for dinner. The elderly couple had been married for about 60 years, and seemed to love each other very much. The husband would always address his wife as honey, pumpkin, and so on.
When the two women disappeared to the kitchen the younger man asked the elderly man, "How do you manage to keep calling your wife honey and that kind of stuff after being married for so long?"
The man blushed as he looked away for a moment, then turned back to the young man and replied, "I forgot her name ten years ago."
A trip to the doctor
An old man goes to the doctor to receive the tests from his medical examination.
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Old Man (nervously): I suppose the bad news first...
Doctor: Ok. You have severe stomach cancer and you're going to die in ten days.
Old man: Jesus! What's the good news?
Doctor: See that nurse? Hot, isn't she? I'm screwing her.
Classic one-liners
"Having sex is like bridge. You either need a good partner, or a good hand."
"The two rules in my office. Rule 1: The boss is always right. Rule 2: If the boss is wrong, refer to rule #1."
"Always borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back!"
"If it weren’t for the ‘last minute’, nothing would get done."
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