Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Count on your Sex Lessons

My boyfriend always insists me for anal sex which I never find very exciting. Besides he tries to express his masculinity by bullying on me during sex and never do it in gentle way I like most. He seldom allows me to ride on him. He says girls active participation is the real culprit for men finish soon than desired.

What’s the deal? Did these boys learn nothing from sex-ed? And what about common sense? I mean, come on, who ever thought pushing a girl’s head towards your nether regions was a good form of foreplay. Apparently I am not the only one feeling this way. I don’t know who this person is, but they provide quite a thorough and honest list of everything men do wrong in the bedroom. Not only is the list complete, but it can be easily printed and handed out to any potential suitor. Score!

#21 – NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH: It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

#22 – ASKING IF SHE HAS COME: You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.
#23 – PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY: Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
#24 – NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN: Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
#25 – NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX: Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.
#26 – MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO: Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.
#27 – TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES: In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
#28 – MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES: Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
#29 – ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT: This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.
#30 – TAKING PICTURES: When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.
#31 – NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH: Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
#32 – SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS: There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.
#33 – ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES: If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
#34 – LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE: Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.
#35 – GIVING LOVE BITES: It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
#36 – BARKING INSTRUCTIONS: Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.
#37 – TALKING DIRTY: It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know
#38 – NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES: You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
#39 – SQUASHING HER: Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
#40 – THANKING HER: Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

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